she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
