I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Green mimosas i think yes
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
