I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
