I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
