im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
