Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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