I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
