I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
