I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
