your parents love me but you hate me
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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