I am puke
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
