if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
