I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
