Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
