she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
