Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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