I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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