i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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