youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
