Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
