my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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