I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
