This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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