Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
