Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
worst night to have a conscience
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
