Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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