I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
