Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
These tits shall not be calmed
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
