I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
