i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
