I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
