people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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