Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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