So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
