Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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