needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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