I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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