i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
