I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
two words...techno handjob
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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