I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
