she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Randomize
