I'm going to jail i love you
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
