Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
