You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
