proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
