I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
