i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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