Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
