Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
A bitchslap is in order.
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