I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
