Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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