we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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