He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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