Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
