we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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